its been soooo long since the last time i updated this blog.. well.. now im updating it coz i got time n got something that is stuck in mind bothering me and i need to let it out..
i just read from my previous post, the article about marriage that one, that love is a decision.
and i totally agree with that. it is not just a feeling that u can feel it, then after the feeling is gone then no love already.
of course at first its a feeling, thats why called "falling in love" that the feeling just come out of no where, but afterwards, it is not just a feeling anymore.
today i had this argument with him, just because of a small thing only. that the way i do, manage my time, he said is not right, and i admit that he is right, i never manage my time properly.
i know, but its just a small thing that is not important that can relate to my work or my studies, or my anything else. he shouldnt be complaining like that and argue so much with me.
well, that is past then i cant change anything with that, so i said to him that there will be no next time.
but other thing that suddenly come out in my mind again after that argument, is that why he is always complaining about me? about the way i do things, about the way im spending money, about my attitude, about the way i think, about how i manage my time, about how i come early n finish late at my work? and other things that i forget to mention.
i mean, its ok for him to say what he doesnt like from me and what things he want me to change. but then there are sooo many. this is happening since we're just be together. and how can i change what has already built inside me since i was a kid?
if there are soooo many things that he hate from me, that he want me to change. at the first place then why he choose to be with me? if he say im still young, i havent seen the world enough, i havent meet the people much enough, i havent experienced enough. im only 2 yrs younger than him. in that 2 years maybe i can be better. hopefully. matured as what he think is mature enough.
he told me not to ask him why he still wan to be with me.
i know he loves me, and he wants me to be better. but then there is too much things that he wants me to be better. i know im not that good enough, but im not that bad also :)
i know how hard it is to earn money, to make for a living, wake up in the middle of the cold night to go to work and finish late. i feel that too. working with people that are annoying, the no action talk only people, i work with those kind of people too. i know maybe not as much as him, not as experienced as him. but at least i also know how hard it is.
so if i spend money also not just spend so easy as if i throw the money away for a useless things. not that i waste my parent's money or his money. i use my own money to spend, and i also never use my own money to spend on useless things.
like last time when i go to singapore just to meet him for few days, he said that it was just a waste of money.
i never think like that. i do it is because i want our relationship to be better last time. he never know what i did before i went there. i really2 saved money for that last time. that time i was just got fired also. i really control what i spend. spend the least as i can for the basic needs only. i dont want to use my parent's money for that. i think i did a lot for that just to meet him. and he also never appreciate it. still say im wasting money. and one month after, also break up with me. at least he appreciate it, just dont care about how i spend my money and just be happy with it. i dun care about how much i spend just to be with him for a while, why should he care?
well, im trying to forget that. just let it go. just think that im happy to meet him and thats it. its also the past anyway.
he is just complaining too much about me. too much of me that he wants me to change.
at least i never lied to him. at least i never get close with any guy and betray him.
at least i never lied to him that i never get close with any guy, but then the next day he find out the pictures that i am holding another guy, or i hug another half naked guy with bikini
at least i never let him called me 55 times and i never pick up just because im sleeping, or even 25 times also i never
at least i never ask him to change so much of himself, his attitude, his way of living.
every time i ask him why he love me, he always say because the feeling is just there, no other reason.
so when the feeling is gone then he will stop loving me? if so then this is just only like a bomb which can explode any time and i cant anticipate. so should i start anticipating from now? but i think i cant do that, coz i too love him already, i dun even know how can i get out from this. so i guess if the bomb explodes, there is no other way to run already, just can explode with the bomb.
think of the other way, maybe all of this problem is because of the long distance also. so thats why i want him to come next april. coz there is no other way that i can go there before i graduate. so lets see next year hope it will be better for us.
i really love him, i dun wan to lose him.
to graduate sooner ==
Sherly Gunawan
February 2010