im so not in a good mood right now..really feeling messed up....
hmmmpppphhhh...... dunno how to express my feeling..
im together with this guy now, he's really nice.. im in love....
we started slowly... as we get closer, get to know each other more, the more im falling for him..
he's my best friend and my love too... but sadly there are many external factors that make it hard for us to be together.. e.g. my parents, and long distance.. (if we're still going to be together until then... )
but all in all, i didnt really care about that right now, coz im in love with him and i feel really happy when im with him.. i can be my self when im with him, feel very comfortable talking and spending time together...
haiz..... i just realized.. the more im fallin for someone, the worse i can be..
it's like the inside of me that i cant control..
i really dun wan to make things worse between me and him..
im stubborn, demanding, selfish..
when im more in love with someone, i feel like i want him more and more..
wan to get close with him as much time as i can..
some more in this case, this guy that im falling more in love with, he's going back for good in the next 20 days.. so literally i only got 20 days to be close with him..
i really want really really want so much to spend those 20 days with him all the time..
i know i cant do that.. he got his life, not just me.. he also want to spend time with his friends..
but i dunno why im so selfish like that..
2 days ago we argued, but the problem solved that time.. coz he finally came to see me..
yesterday again.. cancelled last minute becoz his friend got problem.. i know i shouldnt be angry or anything, but i just couldnt control my feelings my emotions.. im not happy with that.. he could have informed me earlier that he wont come to stay over.. and im still not happy with that until the other day which is today..
i was hoping that today he will make it up for me becoz of yesterday he didnt come.. but he didnt.. which upset me more today...
the whole day i was waiting for him to find me, or at least make any effort to meet me?
which he did a little bit when he asked me to come to city earlier before i go to work, but apparently when he bbm me i was sleeping so i read the msg late..
and today supposedly he is staying over at my place again.. and yet he didnt again..
today at work i was thinking oh maybe he will stay over tonight and all the problem solved.. coz all the way what i wanted is just to be with him, spend time with him..
i was disappointed when he feels nothing happened, and ask me to come to his place to watch movie together with his friends too... i thought he is going to meet me and come with me..
and when he asked me that time i said no i didnt wan to go.. i said if he wants to meet me then he should be the one who come and meet me..
then there's one thing that makes me more n more disappointed with him.. when he asked me should we end this?
im like.. just becoz of this?? i know i shouldnt over reacted ystdy when he cancelled last minute becoz of his friend.. but i was hoping that today he will make it up for me and meet me.. and he didnt so i was upset again..
but i never thought that he would ask that question..
of course i dun wan to end this just becoz of this small matter.. but i didnt answer like that.. i said up to him..
he didnt make any effort today to come and find me or meet me after the last minute cancellation..
which made me think that im not that important to him.. his friends are..
he can even still spend time with his friends watch movie, without thinking how i feel?
how bad i want to meet him, spend time with him from yesterday??
haiz...
i even come and find him at last after he rejected me, he asked me not to find him coz nothing to talk and he would get mad if he talk with me..
i said sorry and lets just forget about the problem and move on..
and he didnt agree.. he said just forget it like that???
then im so pissed.. i just walked away.. i mean i already ask him nicely ok lets forget about this.. and he answered me like that??
then when i was walking back im thinking again.. oh well maybe i shouldnt walk away..
then i asked him how to resolve that problem then if he cant just forget?
he didnt answer, didnt reply and even switched off his phone..
oh well so this is just how much i meant to him.. after all this time i thought he is different..
after the very bad broken heart times, he helped me get through all and i start to fall for him..
"thought love was dead but now you're changing my mind"
..........
and this is how i only meant for him..... so fast ask me to end??
im just so disappointed.. so upset.....
im just hoping too much from him , hoping that he would feel the same way as i do for him..
and he is not.. :(
its only me who want to spend time with him together..
im so sad..... :'(
to graduate sooner ==
Sherly Gunawan
February 2010